i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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