Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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