don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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