I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize