Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
