having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The police scanner is talking about you again....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
