Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
is it fun? or sober?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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