i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
