why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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