I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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