I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
