If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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