Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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