Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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