is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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