Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
