It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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