i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize