I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
