Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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