At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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