remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
