hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
