Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
