apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
