dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
