Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
