omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
