They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
