Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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