OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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