At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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