After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
