Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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