I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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