I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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