I wish they made helmets for livers.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
