I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
