Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize