I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
