literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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