I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
