should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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