I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
