I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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