Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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