If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
