My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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