come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
