Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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