youre lurking in front of me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
