I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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