im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
