i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
