he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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