So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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