how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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