Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
