Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
