He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
