I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
